Dear Reader,
this entry will serve mainly therapeutic purposes, but feel free to join me on this journey.
I am asking where is it? The proverbial silver lining - it vanished. You know when you get those late night calls from a loved one, in a low voice, quietly searching for words, you know - in your whole body - it can't be good news. It wasn't - when my sister called me at one in the morning her time a few days ago, to tell me "something very bad has happened". My mom's long time boyfriend had unexpectedly - and still inexplicably- passed away at 51. They had just moved in together. The rest of his boxes arrived last weekend.
I don't know how you deal with this, but in those overwhelming situations my mind goes into "disbelief" mode. What? Really? No! That can't be? It can't be, he just drove us to the airport, I still have his voice clearly in my head. It must be a mistake. Then you face the truth - it really happened. What? Yes, he is not coming back.
To be honest, I am not good at dealing with death, I hate death and feared my parents, especially my mom's death, early on. Luckily, death stayed away from me. My earliest memory of death is our downstairs neighbor Jim dying - I was so mad I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral - "but mom everyone is going!" I could hear his wife Eva weep in her bedroom for weeks.
Then when I was 21 my childhood friend's mom passed away after a long battle with cancer. My first funeral. It hit home, because Angel was the same age as my mom. Our families had been friends for decades, Ivey (my friend) was just 2 days older than me, we went to the same kindergarten and preschool, spent summer breaks together - so close, it could have been me - it could have been my family!
It was my family last winter, my grandma passed away after fighting lung cancer for months. I was sad, I was sad for my dad - after all - losing my mom is one of my worst fears. And I was so sad, because she had been anxiously waiting to meet Mia, my little girl - we were just 2 weeks late.
The night (day time in Germany) when she passed, I experienced an episode of magic. Weird magic. That night I woke up screaming, I do that sometimes, usually because of a bad dream. This one was different. I woke up sitting in bed, still hearing the echo of my scream, and my throat hurt like I had been screaming for my life. When I heard the sad news from my dad in the morning it started making sense. It didn't take much piecing together to figure out that my screaming and her passing coincided. So I am connected to my family on a spiritual level - after all.
The evening I heard of Jens' sudden passing, that family connection materialized again. My 15 months old daughter had an episode of feeling utterly sad, like we had never seen her before. Not tired, not cranky or whiny (we know these states very well) - but sad - big tears running down her face. She would not let go of the paper tissue I had given her (she wanted one because mommy had one wiping her face constantly). That paper tissue even came into the bathtub with her (her happy place). Any of our attempts to take it from her would cause her to cry heartbearkingly. And as the soft paper soaked up the bath water I knew what my mom was doing right now, across an ocean from me - she was crying her heart out.
And here you go readers - I might have found the silver lining in the mourning process. Those who know me, know that I can turn a shit ball into chocolate frosting - over time. Major life events like births and death can make us feel the connection - the spiritual (my husband would call this woo-woo stuff) and the living connection to the people closest to you.
I am so proud of my sister and her boyfriend, who are standing by my mom's side, who where with her this past week from dawn till dusk - they cooked, they distracted, they talked, they offered a shoulder to cry on, they cried together. I have amazing souls like them in my life - I am so blessed!
My husband, my wonderful husband Mike, worked from home the day after we found out, he went on a short hike with us, he got me Starbucks and he cooked Pho for us. He listened to me cry, got me more tissues and stroked my hair while I was weeping. I love him so much, and I tell him every day!
And I can't forget about my wonderful friends and extended family, from all walks of life, who dropped me lines of sympathy after my facebook update (yes welcome to this great new world). Erna, Jenny, Anja, Ani, Franzi, Wy, Jeannie, Shelly, Amy, Jule, Moni, Melanie, Lindsey - thank you for your kind words and prayers!
So here it is, the chocolate frosting, get your cups, I'll whip it on generously!
Death can teach us to live - living is connecting to other people - living is LOVING other people.
In Loving memory of Jens (1959-2010)
Cheers my dears - and make mine a double today!
Dani!
Posts
